Harvey Weinstein sitting at his desk, me on the other side. It’s a pitch and I’m goddamn Pedro Martinez. Gonna pepper it up, blow his socks clean off. Harvey’s bemused, running his fingers over the fronds of a fichus and playing at “who gives a rat’s ass about you, kid, me and Gwynnie got a two-o’clock and your ass ain’t Tarantino.” So I get down to business, stare at him till he can’t help but lock eyes with me and I say it flat out. “You’ve lost it, big man.”

“What’s that?” he asks.

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With the recent scandal surrounding South Korean scientist Hwang Woo-suk’s made-up cloning results, the genetic sciences are once again in the spotlight.

And with that spotlight come questions. “Are you making gill-men? Is that what all this is about?” we ask. As is usually the case, cloning and stem cells aren’t actually about gill-men at all, but something else entirely that isn’t terribly interesting.

Nonetheless, it is science we must embrace. Why? Because any advance in genetics gets us one step closer to the ultimate goal of all gene tinkering: that someday, it will be raining men. Perhaps even gill-men, though we don’t have the hard facts to back that up.

To date, male-based precipitation research has produced nothing significant. Yet every new finding—be it stem cells or cloning or what have you—gives us hope that the ultimate prize is ever closer to our anxious grasp.

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Winter, Spring Summer and Fall
All you got to do is call.
You’ve got a friend!
-James Taylor-

13 Things Needed For Making Friends

As we all know, the following are the cardinal rules everyone should strictly follow in order to make a brand new friend:

1. An award winning smile.
2. Intense listening skills (eye-contact a must!)
3. A few jokes
4. Diverse and interesting hobbies
5. An award winning smile
6. Good personal hygiene (hair should always be combed)
7. A firm handshake
8. A pen and paper to write down your new friend’s phone number
9. Common interest
10. A smile which wins awards
11. Fresh, minty breath
12. A suit and tie (men only)
13. An award won by one’s smile

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by Matt Wilson

Internet quizzes. They make up fully 94 percent of forwarded e-mails and LiveJournal entries on the Internet today. The lifeblood of uncreative people hungry for content with which to impress their friends and other perceived “readers” on shoddy personal websites, these quizzes conclusively answer such philosophical entreaties as “Am I as determined as Vegeta?” and “Which character from Buffy the Vampire Slayer best defines me as a person?” Without teenage girls with LiveJournals, hard-hitting questions like these might have gone unasked.

As a sociological experiment, we here at the National Lampoon scoured the world wide web to take every quiz we came upon. Here’s how the internet defined us:

From the quiz, “What number that can
be summed from rolling two dice are you?”

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By Harmon Leon

OFFICE PRANK: Buried Treasure of One-Eyed Pete!

THINGS NEEDED:

- A Treasure Map
- 1 Parrot

Find co-workers hanging around the water cooler, and tell them you’ve made an astonishing discovery: you’ve found an old treasure map hidden behind the filing cabinet! (Note: tell people the day before that you’ve “made moving the filing cabinet my primary action item!” to avoid suspicion here.) According
to the map, hidden somewhere in the office is the treasure of One-Eyed Pete-a salty old pirate who sailed the seven seas back in the 1800’s. Legend has it that One-Eyed Pete’s fabled treasure is worth millions.

Placing the parrot on your shoulder, tell everyone that you’ll share One-Eyed Pete’s treasure if you work as a team to find it within the confines of the office. Split the office into three different groups. Refer to people as “Matey.” Occasionally blurt out “Yarrr!” to give yourself a bit of business. Tear up the floorboards with a pick and shovel.

After hours of hectic searching, proclaim, ” I guess we’ll never find One-Eyed Pete’s treasure!” Go back to desk and enjoy hearty laugh at coworkers’ expense.

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"Sex
with ghosts has never been my bag, but
after reading of Toni Morrison’s lesbian
romp in a hayloft with the angry spirit
of a murdered seamstress, I have to say
I might reconsider. The jazzy playfulness
of her prose, the elegant way she describes
an orifice, this is the stuff of both
a Nobel Laureate and a woman who’s seen
a thing or two. Filthy…and brilliant."

—Larry Flint

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There’s no point getting all the way to “Just Taxes” only to find I’ve forgotten my W-2 or my W-4 or any of those other letters that say ‘Important Tax Information” or “Reply Requested” or whatever. Better just to bring the whole year’s worth of unopened junk mail, bills, Dominoes coupons etc, with me.

The problem is, some of that shit could be literally anywhere by now. So I’d better make sure I’ve looked in every closet, under every bed, behind the couch…

You know, now I think about it, a really thorough house cleaning is probably the way to go. Two birds with one stone, right?

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By: Sean Crespo

November 23, 2005

TO: Spider-Man

Subject:
AN OPEN LETTER TO SPIDER-MAN
FROM THE SANITATION DEPARTMENT OF NEW YORK CITY

Dear Spider-Man,

First of all, thank you very much for all that you
have done for New York City and its inhabitants. We
all feel safer knowing you are out there “webslinging”
among the skyscrapers of New York, assaulting violent
criminals, tentacled super geniuses, hovering color-themed
goblins et al.

However, I would like to draw your attention to an
issue that, when seen in its proper perspective, will
hopefully give you pause to reconsider your mode of
locomotion.

You get about the city by means of the aforementioned
“webslinging.” Any time I hear nearby police
sirens and there’s an audible gasp from everyone
on the sidewalk, I’ll look up and there you are, swinging
away. The first few times, I’ll admit it took my breath
away, Spider-Man.

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by Max Burbank

From The Desk of Tom Cruise,
Enterprises, for immediate release

Tom Cruise Announces intentions to
love, bone Katie Holmes forever

Actor/producer/prominent heterosexual Tom Cruise (Mission Impossible) hereby confirms that he is doing it with actress Katie Holmes (Dorson’s Creek, Batman Begins) and wants the whole world to know it. Rumors this affair is merely a publicity stunt for both actors have, we are certain, been put to rest by their recent joint appearance on Oprah (The Color Purple, Oprah). Cruise (War of the Worlds) publicly revealed he was “over the moon” and “batty” about his new love, Starlet Katie Holmes (Dilson’s Cork, BATMAN BEGINS). Read More

By: Eric Pfeffinger

With religion and pop culture intersecting more and more these days, perhaps it was inevitable: The Bible’s gotten a Cosmo-style makeover. Revolve is an honest-to-goodness Bible, encompassing the New Testament from Matthew to Revelation. But its magazine-like styling and bright cover will help it seem hipper to today’s girls, the publishers hope. -ABC News

And now several other popular magazines are entering the honest-to-goodness bible as mag publishing arena… Read More

by Daniel Dean

So you have kidnapped Matt Damon. Good for you. Millions of Americans think about doing this their whole lives but never realize their true Matt Damon kidnapping potential. You are living the dream.

• Want to shelter Matt Damon, childlike, from perceived enemies;
• Have killer screenplay Damon would be a fool not to read;
• Want to have rough non-consentual intercourse with Matt Damon;
• Want to co-write killer screenplay with Damon about rough non-consentual intercourse between famous actor and his sensitive, thougful abductor;
• Would enjoy dressing up Matt Damon;
• Would enjoy dressing up using Matt Damon (see Chapter 5: Making a Suit Out of Matt Damon)

Always remember Read More

Reviewed By Geoffrey Golden and Asterios Kokkinos

Paris Hilton, Nicolas Cage, Usher, Lakers Coach Phil Jackson
Rated X5, 2004-2013 (Warnerversal/Wal-Mart Films)

Once the reigning queen of sex tapes, Ms. Hilton’s most recent widescreen releases have been disappointing at best. Opening in theaters to mediocre box office (Hilton Mounts A Phoenix, starring Paris Hilton and Joaquin Phoenix, bowed at a measly $40 bil), and poor reviews (see the review of Orlando Bloom and I Fuck In A Bathroom in this issue), Paris and her celebrated, well-documented vagina have clearly seen better days. Frankly, there’s so much product placement in Paris Hilton Blows Franz Ferdinand that it’s not even fun to watch the veteran sex talent give the members of the aged musical super-group blowjobs, because there are logos for Toyota and Human Foot Locker emblazoned on Hilton’s face.

Paris Hilton Sex Tapes: The Criterion Collection, the long-awaited Brain-DVD box set, allows us to remember a time when sex tapes were watched by the whole family on a “tele-vision,” not downwarped into our brains by deadly cyborgs. These classic videos were about three things: sex,
celebrity exploitation, and did I mention seeeeeeeeeeeex? (I think I did). These original tapes were commercial free, and are a joy to watch, again and again. Read More

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