In light of the recent lawsuit against E*Trade by Lindsay Lohan for the talking baby commerical featuring a baby named ‘Lindsay’ who was a ‘milk-a-holic we are predicting other clear and present lawsuits that major brands are going to be eventually sued for by Lindsay Lohan.

The actress Lindsay Lohan has sued E*Trade Financial Corp for $100 million, saying a “milkaholic” baby girl who appeared in a recent commercial was modeled after her. via reuters

She is the victim here people, and she will not take this laying down, well, I’m sure she takes a lot laying down but thats not really what this is about is it? Hey stop calling her a slut you jerks, she will sue your ass right off.

And now the short list:

Svedka Vodka: It tastes just like Lindsey Lohan.

Revelations of Jesse James’ infidelity in his marriage to congenial Oscar-winner Sandra Bullock have rocked the Hollywood establishment this week. Tabloids have been extremely quick to dispense as much information about James’ alleged Mistress, tattoo-model Michelle “Bombshell” McGee, to an eager public in addition to multiple takes on Bullock being “blindsided” in their headlines.

If you’ve seen photos of James’ ex-wife, heavily-inked porn star Janine Lindemulder, you’d no doubt understand James’ attraction to the young lady whose tats are for more striking than her ta-tas. After all, Sandra Bullock may be attractive, but does she have a tattoo that says, “Pray for us sinners” on her face?  Michelle Bombshell McGee 1, Sandra Bullock 0.

Unfortunately, Bombshell loses a few points for her Nazi-themed photo shoot and her White Power leg tats. Michelle Bombshell McGee -1, Sandra Bullock 1 (that’s for the Oscar).

Though we’re sure you’re more than awash in all of the details you can handle, here are a few more important “facts” about Michelle “Bombshell” McGee that all of those other publications seem to have left out:

1. Has a tattoo of her vagina a few inches above her vagina, so in all likelihood there was never any actual penetration between her and Jesse James.

2. Never misses an opportunity to read Oprah Book Club recommendations.

3. Secretly trying to negotiate a deal with the Aaron Spelling’s estate to do a remake of the 1994-95 TV Series “Models Inc” as “Models Ink.”  The show will be a drama about the goings on at a racist tattoo model agency.

4. Favorite movie is Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous.

5. Has sext messages from Tiger Woods.

6. Has plans for her next tattoo to be of Tattoo from Fantasy Island. It would look pretty sweet on her cheek, below the stars around her right eye on a perfectly dominant patch of pale white skin. She’ll also leave plenty of room for “da plane!”

If you want to get even deeper into the mind of Michelle “Bombshell” McGee, check out the video below:

While trying to confirm the Jay-Z, Illuminati, devil worshipping rumors, Robin Lundberg and the gang from http://www.lundberg.me, found something even more disturbing.

We all need goals. Without them life would be just a collection of moments consisting of eating, sleeping, arguing about the necessity of a Tron sequel, and finally dying. We need the in-between time to pursue something valuable that gives our life meaning. Some people like to travel to distant lands, others play Rock Band all day in the hopes of mastering as many Metallica bass parts as possible; still there are others who have aimed so high that their lofty pursuits defy explanation. You can count Donna Simpson in that last group.  The hefty Old Bridge, New Jersey resident already renowned to be the World’s Fattest Mom, is poised (in the least active sense of the word) to attain the title of World’s Fattest Woman.

Oddly not compelled to try her hand at competitive eating, the 600-lb. behemoth would much rather immerse herself in the decidedly more sedentary practice of eating her way into a sort of lipid oblivion. In order to achieve her ultimate goal of 1000 lbs, Simpson will blow through 12,000 calories a day, which would be more impressive than Gold Medalist Michael Phelps’s 10,000 calorie diet, save for the fact that Phelps doesn’t need a motorized scooter to get from point A to point B.

The incredible bulbous mass of woman funds her eating binges with the help of a website called SupersizedBombshells.com (dear lord please don’t click on that link), where randy chubby-chasers can pay  $11 or a $15 membership to see this “Treasure” chest inhaling burgers and other things that aren’t salads. Egging her on in her quest to crack 999 on the bathroom scale, is her 150-lb frog boyfriend Phillipe, who since meeting her on a plus-size dating site has continually encouraged her to go for the gold as long as it’s just the color of the foil wrapping  on the chocolate medallion.

Well, Donna Simpson, we don’t know if we support your ultimate goal to crack 1000 lbs, but we’re glad you have a goal that you’ve settled on.  Many people never figure out what they want in life and never get to experience that thrilling crane ride from their bed to their coffin.  For that, we salute you.  USA! USA!

Ray Carsillo tells you what geeks care about, what comics you should read, what games you should play, and what hot chicks you should Google from every true geek’s haven, their mom’s basement.

We’re not really sure what all the hype is about ChatRoulette.com.  Never before has their been so much ado over something that could already be done over the Internet. Chatting with perverted strangers over the world wide web is as old as AOL chat rooms or Al Gore’s first email transmission. The only difference here is that you can actually see the people who are masturbating. Pardon us, but at this point video chat’s been around long enough that getting excited over such a capability would be like reacting with glee upon realizing that your phone sends text messages. It’s just not that revolutionary.  Being passed over by people who don’t want to talk to you seems curiously like high school and if we wanted to see a guy playing with his balls (not that we want to), then we could probably just grab a playgirl  from the local newsstand or visit guyplayswithhisballs.com.

That being said, there are some enjoyable things about Chat Roulette aside from cute, bored Scandinavian girls wanting to get to know you better.  Most notably, there are the people who use it to create their own genre known as “Chat Piano Improv.”  Don’t know what we mean?  Have a look:

Christians believe that Jesus is coming back and when he does he will resurrect the dead, judge the sinners and bring the Kingdom of God to Earth.  If his recent activity is any indicator of the lord and savior’s potentially earthly behavior, maybe he’ll skip all of that rapture business and just stop at Denny’s for a Grand Slam.

A recent sighting of the “Son of God” in the frying pan of a man cooking bacon in his London flat has us questioning why our heavenly figures are always showing up in the tastiest places. Jesus and the Virgin Mary are constantly slipping themselves onto burnt slices of bread, frying pans, potato chips and pancakes.  Devout followers and the fair-weather faithful alike usually take these incidents as a sign that Jesus is trying to impart some sort of important message about having faith or that his return to the world of the living is imminent. That’s one way to look at it.

There are those of us that know better than to blindly interpret culinary apparitions as repetitive pleas to accept Christ into our hearts before it’s too late. If Jesus wanted to tell us to repent so badly, he could just show up on TV channels other than Fox News on a regular basis or make the subway pamphlet people that much more aggressive. One has to think there’s a more practical explanation for greasy repast renderings of the King of Kings.

Did you ever stop to think that maybe Jesus is just hungry?  Perhaps the food in heaven isn’t what it’s cracked up to be or just plain sucks?  Maybe there is no food in heaven and Jesus has been trying to break through in an attempt to get even the slightest nip of your French toast.  Maybe pigs go to their own pig heaven and everyone on Cloud 9 really misses bacon. What Jesus wouldn’t do for your tasty breakfast links and some flapjacks. Jesus could be showing up on your toast in order to tell you to cherish the food you have, because there’s no pork past St Peter’s gate.

Despite all indications that “heaven” is the place you want to be, there’s a reason Belinda Carlisle sang about it being a place on earth.  For one thing, Earth has bacon, pancakes, potato chips, and omelets.  Just because food can be described as heavenly, doesn’t mean the best foods on earth are available there.

The food in prison isn’t exactly of the gourmet variety.  Gruel, bread and that nail file swallowed in the yard for later use often lines the stomachs of those serving hard time in the joint.  It would make sense that upon release ex-cons would yearn for the hearty appeal a Wendy’s Bacon Double with a loaded baked potato from the 99-cent menu.  Unfortunately for Anna Ayala, post-prison gastronomic gratification ain’t so simple. Wendy’s has banned the felonious mom from its premises and with good reason; Ayala was in the clink for trying to finagle $21 Million from the venerable fast-food chain after claiming she found a finger in her chili. Normally we’d say finding a finger in our chili would be worth at least $21 million, but in this case it was discovered that Ayala put the finger there herself.  Game. Set. Match Wendy’s!

Although Ayala won’t be dining on any of Wendy’s wonderful Garden Sensation Salads anytime soon, there are still any number of chain restaurants she can pull the wool over on.  To help her out on her journey to become a millionaire we’ve come up with a list of scams and the joints to pull them on.  Good luck Anna Ayala.  Let us know how it works out:

1. Long John Silver’s- Spend the next few months depriving yourself of Vitamin C and claim the fish sticks at Long John Silver’s gave you scurvy.

2. Jack In The Box- Kidnap TV’s Jack Wagner and cut off his head.  Go to a Jack in the Box restaurant and place Mr. Wagner’s head on top of your Chicken Teriyaki Bowl. Pretend to recoil in horror and exclaim that you didn’t expect the “Jack In The Box” name to manifest itself so literally.  Ask for your money back.

3. McDonald’s- The old coffee lap spill works every time at this establishment.  Should’ve been your first target.  3rd degree burns over your genitalia are a small price to pay for a large monetary reward.

4. Hooters- Order a burger and replace the meat patty with a silicon breast implant.  Claim one of the waitresses lost her boob on your burger. How traumatic!

5. Taco Bell- Eat three beef soft tacos.  Claim Taco Bell gave you chronic diarrhea.  It’s not stretching the truth that much.

6. T.G.I.Friday’s- Go to Friday’s on a Tuesday.  Skip work the next two days as if it were a weekend.  Claim that going to Friday’s on a Tuesday confused you as to what day it was.  Sue Friday’s for the two days of pay you missed.

7. KFC- Saw the leg off a local vagabond. Order a bucket of legs from KFC.  Return angrily brandishing the limb.  Threaten to beat the manager over the head with it if the corporation doesn’t settle.

8. Any other Fast Food location- Spend the rest of your life eating at fast food restaurants.  Either something will inevitably happen or you can just sue them for making you fat.

In 1982, the foundations of the film industry were lightly-shaken and certainly not stirred by the neon sci-fi video game fantasy world embodied in the film Tron. Now, twenty-eight years later, the sequel that quite literally nobody save for ultra superdorks was waiting for is poised for a big-screen explosion of mediocrity.  The good news is, not only are a few of the original stars returning (BRUCE BOXLEITNER!!!), but when they redo the latest trailer they can boast that it features “Academy Award-winner Jeff Bridges.” Saddest though is no Caddyshack hottie Cindy Morgan, she  discusses her reaction to being left out here.

In any case, dorks, prepare to have your balls blown off by the latest peek at Tron: Legacy. Hey, at least they threw in a few cute chicks.

This weekend the stars will be out in full force as Hollywood celebrates the biggest night in the American film industry.  Some of the most famous directors, producers, actors and actresses in the business will cross their fingers in the hopes that when that envelope is peeled open Sunday night they can call themselves Oscar winners.  We could use this opportunity to help you figure out the picks in your office pool , but in all honesty, what’s the point?  We were never going to see any of that money.  We haven’t seen all of the movies anyway.

While making “Best Picture” predictions is a time honored tradition for the media and those who enjoy engaging in more socially acceptable forms of gambling; another industry uses Oscar-nominated films as a sort of creative ammunition.  Yes, the adult film industry has transformed award-winners like Forrest Gump and Million Dollar Baby into flesh-pressing masterpieces such as Forrest Hump and Million-Dollar Booty.  So while ’tis the season to give it up for astounding performances, it’s also time to birth new titles under which equally astounding sexual feats will be performed.

Luckily this year, they’ve expanded the usually generous field of five films vying for that bald statuette to ten flicks.  That means there are eight movies that have no chance going up against Avatar and The Hurt Locker.  On the bright side, at least someone will make a porno version of their film.

So without further ado…our recommendations on how the adult industry should porno-ize some of 2010 greatest picture nominees.

1. Vagitar- A sexually uptight female scientist studying the new planet of “Pan-whore-a” in search of a rare element known as “spermtanium” has a sexual awakening when she enters the world of native la’bia tribe.

2. The Hot Locker- In the midst of war, an army officer is charged with diffusing bombs.  Sex bombs.

3. District 69- In a world where sex has become outlawed with the exception of an alien colony on earth, a government official comes out in support of the aliens. Unfortunately, his exposure to the highly sexual goings on in District 69 lead him to becoming one of them.

4. A Seriously Well-Endowed Man- This adaptation of the Coen Brothers A Serious Man features a guy who has got it going on down there. You can imagine where it goes from there.

5. Getting It Up In The Air- A well-traveled businessman is unable to have sex unless he’s on an airplane.  However, after one too many romps in the sky with fellow passengers and stewardesses, he realizes there’s more to life than being a member of the mile-high club.

6. A Sexual Education- We haven’t seen An Education but its imdb page describes the film as, “a coming-of-age story about a teenage girl in 1960s suburban London, and how her life changes with the arrival of a playboy nearly twice her age.” We’re not really surely we have to change this description except to replace “1960’s suburban London” with “California’s San Fernando Valley.”  Then at the and we’d just make sure to include the fact that she totally has sex with the playboy nearly twice her age…a lot.

7. In Glory Hole Bastards- A team of sexually deviant ladies strike out in search of Europe’s elusive and well-hidden glory holes during World War II.

8. The Back Side- In this porn adaptation of The Blind Side a woman brings in a poor teenager who has never even had his own bed and lets him use hers, ultimately showing her how to protect and penetrate “The Back Side.

Letting it air out a bit.