National Lampoon's Flashbacks

WHAT EVERY YOUNG WOMAN SHOULD KNOW

by Jeff Greenfield

A guide to the facts of life and love for high school girls, published as a public service with the compliments of the editors of the National Lampoon.

YOU’VE PROBABLY BEEN WONDERING...

About those curious sensations in your body ... about those warm, “ticklish” feelings you’ve been having the last couple of years ... about all those things your parents told you they’d talk to you about “when you’re a little older.”

Well, we want you to know that, as far as we’re concerned, you’re old enough now! Old enough to know what your body wants you to do ... and how to do it. Old enough to be a fully knowledgeable, skilled young woman.

It’s important that you get this information candidly, clearly, fully. So first of all - and this is important - don’t ask your parents. In fact, don’t even show them this booklet! It’s not that they don’t want the best for you. But they grew up in a earlier age, when the facts of life and love were considered shameful ... something to keep secret. Well, we don’t think it’s shameful at all. We think it’s terrific. And we want you to get the best out of all the wonderful experiences soon to come your way. So listen—look—and then, welcome to the wonderful world of fulfillment.

WHAT KIND OF MAN MAKES
THE BEST LOVER?

Unfortunately, many men who seem attractive on the surface are actually strongly homosexual—often without even knowing it. Men with lean waists, overdeveloped chests, arms, and shoulders, and clean skin are actually unconsciously obsessed by male bodies.

You should stay far away from men who are athletes or rock stars, and men who feel compelled to dress in fancy suits with clean shirts and polished shoes. These “men” often have a compulsion to spend money on sumptuous meals, taxicabs, and expensive trinkets to compensate for their affliction. Experienced, self-confident lovers—the kind you want—don’t need to alter the natural contours of their bodies. They are content with slender arms, relaxed chests, and waists with a comfortable amount of flesh—which can come in handy during moments of intimacy (why do you think they call them “love handles”?) Introspective, thoughtful men with a sense of humor are especially valuable; men who write humorous magazine material, for example.

One other tip: Married men can be depended on not to cause embarrassing rumors about you at home or school. Men on short business trips are discreet, grateful, and particularly driven by passion. Look for them!

HOW ... “BIG” ... SHOULD A MAN BE?

Don’t by shy. It’s an important question, and one surrounded by confusion.
The average man’s penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long. Men substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is somewhat larger than a ball-point pen.

HOW ... “LONG” ... SHOULD A MAN LAST?

Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-impenetrable thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you’ll find a man who can “last” as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don’t let your girlfriends know you’ve landed owe of these desirable “sixty second wonders.”

HOW DO I KNOW IF I’M HAVING
AN ORGASM?

The female orgasm is a sensation that’s very hard to put into words, but most fulfilled, experienced women agrees that it “feels like something inside of you.” When a man’s penis is inside your vagina, or mouth or buttocks, that is an orgasm. You’ll find that a really skilled lover applies the same technique to love as a gourmet does to a meal: he “leaves a little something on your plate.” When, after intercourse, you feel a vague sensation that there could be “more to come,” that “vaguely unsatisfied” feeling, then you can be sure you’ve experienced a sexually memorable adventure.

WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM?

There is no such thing.

WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX?

This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes. If you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you’ll see the a man’s penis fits naturally into a woman’s mouth. On the other hand, a man’s mouth does not naturally fit into a woman’s vagina. Thus, a woman orally stimulating a man is performing a “natural” act. But a man seeking to put his mouth on or near a vagina is committing an “unnatural” act (why do you think they call the vagina your “private parts”?)

WHAT IS AFTERPLAY?

Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and you, are “GIB.” Another example of male “afterplay” is his turning on a football or basketball game immediately after climax.
Many women find a particularly satisfying postcoital experience in going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer back for the man, along with a light snack—sandwich, potato chips and dip—to help her love put back depleted calories.

WHAT IS IMPOTENCE?

Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him.

When this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man a sandwich. Another really good “foreplay” technique is to invite a really good-looking girl friend over, and do whatever he asks, to him or to each other, while he watches.

HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE?

One good way to keep things from getting routine is to vary your dress. Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or rubber suits will all help get your man’s attention. Also, don’t keep playing “one on one.” Invite your more attractive and energetic girl friends over to take part.

Another technique - and we think the best - is to use anonymous names. Have your lover call himself “Mr. Smith.” Don’t let him tell you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You’ll find it lends an air of real “mystery” to the affair.

HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN?

When looking for the ideal man about - twenty-five to forty, married, on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity - go over to a Ramada Inn or Holiday Inn cocktail lounge about 8:30 at night. Look around the room: then, when you’ve found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse, wink at him, walk over, and whisper in his ear, “You’re cute - can I buy you a drink?” This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will naturally progress from there.

SOME OTHER IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:

“If I get pregnant, how do I know who the father is?”
There is absolutely know way to tell.

“Where should a man take me?”
Because so many homosexual men like to take their “dates” out for fancy meals, look for the man who will send you out to a local Arby’s or Carl’s, Jr., for a sandwich. That means his mind’s not on food—so you know what he’s thinking about.

“What happens if he doesn’t call?”
He may be trying to keep the romance alive; go out every few weeks to your local Ramada Inn or Holiday Inn cocktail lounge and look to see if he’s come back. If he hasn’t, find another person who sort of looks like him and maybe writes for or works for a humor magazine, and try the “Can I buy you a drink?” technique with him. You may find you’ve met a new, exciting lover.

IF YOU STILL NEED HELP, WE’RE HERE...

Call the National Lampoon Hotline; we can answer all your questions. If you send them along with a photo of yourself, we can send an editor to your hometown to provide personal counseling. You pay only for is air fare, hotel bills, cab fares and a small consulting fee.

From National Lampoon Big Book of Love



	WHAT EVERY YOUNG WOMAN SHOULD KNOW by Jeff Greenfield A guide to the facts of life and love for high school girls, published as a public service with the compliments of the editors of the National Lampoon. YOU’VE PROBABLY BEEN WONDERING... About those curious sensations in your body ... about those warm, “ticklish” feelings you’ve been having the last couple of years ... about all those things your parents told you they’d talk to you about “when you’re a little older.” Well, we want you to know that, as far as we’re concerned, you’re old enough now! Old enough to know what your body wants you to do ... and how to do it. Old enough to be a fully knowledgeable, skilled young woman. It’s important that you get this information candidly, clearly, fully. So first of all - and this is important - don’t ask your parents. In fact, don’t even show them this booklet! It’s not that they don’t want the best for you. But they grew up in a earlier age, when the facts of life and love were considered shameful ... something to keep secret. Well, we don’t think it’s shameful at all. We think it’s terrific. And we want you to get the best out of all the wonderful experiences soon to come your way. So listen—look—and then, welcome to the wonderful world of fulfillment. WHAT KIND OF MAN MAKES THE BEST LOVER? Unfortunately, many men who seem attractive on the surface are actually strongly homosexual—often without even knowing it. Men with lean waists, overdeveloped chests, arms, and shoulders, and clean skin are actually unconsciously obsessed by male bodies. You should stay far away from men who are athletes or rock stars, and men who feel compelled to dress in fancy suits with clean shirts and polished shoes. These “men” often have a compulsion to spend money on sumptuous meals, taxicabs, and expensive trinkets to compensate for their affliction. Experienced, self-confident lovers—the kind you want—don’t need to alter the natural contours of their bodies. They are content with slender arms, relaxed chests, and waists with a comfortable amount of flesh—which can come in handy during moments of intimacy (why do you think they call them “love handles”?) Introspective, thoughtful men with a sense of humor are especially valuable; men who write humorous magazine material, for example. One other tip: Married men can be depended on not to cause embarrassing rumors about you at home or school. Men on short business trips are discreet, grateful, and particularly driven by passion. Look for them! *HOW ... “BIG” ... SHOULD A MAN BE?* Don’t by shy. It’s an important question, and one surrounded by confusion. The average man’s penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long. Men substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is somewhat larger than a ball-point pen. *HOW ... “LONG” ... SHOULD A MAN LAST?* Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-impenetrable thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you’ll find a man who can “last” as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don’t let your girlfriends know you’ve landed owe of these desirable “sixty second wonders.” HOW DO I KNOW IF I’M HAVING AN ORGASM? The female orgasm is a sensation that’s very hard to put into words, but most fulfilled, experienced women agrees that it “feels like something inside of you.” When a man’s penis is inside your vagina, or mouth or buttocks, that is an orgasm. You’ll find that a really skilled lover applies the same technique to love as a gourmet does to a meal: he “leaves a little something on your plate.” When, after intercourse, you feel a vague sensation that there could be “more to come,” that “vaguely unsatisfied” feeling, then you can be sure you’ve experienced a sexually memorable adventure. WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM? There is no such thing. *WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX?* This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes. If you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you’ll see the a man’s penis fits naturally into a woman’s mouth. On the other hand, a man’s mouth does not naturally fit into a woman’s vagina. Thus, a woman orally stimulating a man is performing a “natural” act. But a man seeking to put his mouth on or near a vagina is committing an “unnatural” act (why do you think they call the vagina your “private parts”?) *WHAT IS AFTERPLAY?* Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and you, are “GIB.” Another example of male “afterplay” is his turning on a football or basketball game immediately after climax. Many women find a particularly satisfying postcoital experience in going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer back for the man, along with a light snack—sandwich, potato chips and dip—to help her love put back depleted calories. WHAT IS IMPOTENCE? Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him. When this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man a sandwich. Another really good “foreplay” technique is to invite a really good-looking girl friend over, and do whatever he asks, to him or to each other, while he watches. *HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE?* One good way to keep things from getting routine is to vary your dress. Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or rubber suits will all help get your man’s attention. Also, don’t keep playing “one on one.” Invite your more attractive and energetic girl friends over to take part. Another technique - and we think the best - is to use anonymous names. Have your lover call himself “Mr. Smith.” Don’t let him tell you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You’ll find it lends an air of real “mystery” to the affair. *HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN?* When looking for the ideal man about - twenty-five to forty, married, on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity - go over to a Ramada Inn or Holiday Inn cocktail lounge about 8:30 at night. Look around the room: then, when you’ve found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse, wink at him, walk over, and whisper in his ear, “You’re cute - can I buy you a drink?” This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will naturally progress from there. *SOME OTHER IMPORTANT QUESTIONS: “If I get pregnant, how do I know who the father is?”* There is absolutely know way to tell. *“Where should a man take me?”* Because so many homosexual men like to take their “dates” out for fancy meals, look for the man who will send you out to a local Arby’s or Carl’s, Jr., for a sandwich. That means his mind’s not on food—so you know what he’s thinking about. *“What happens if he doesn’t call?”* He may be trying to keep the romance alive; go out every few weeks to your local Ramada Inn or Holiday Inn cocktail lounge and look to see if he’s come back. If he hasn’t, find another person who sort of looks like him and maybe writes for or works for a humor magazine, and try the “Can I buy you a drink?” technique with him. You may find you’ve met a new, exciting lover. *IF YOU STILL NEED HELP, WE’RE HERE...* Call the National Lampoon Hotline; we can answer all your questions. If you send them along with a photo of yourself, we can send an editor to your hometown to provide personal counseling. You pay only for is air fare, hotel bills, cab fares and a small consulting fee. From National Lampoon Big Book of Love