National Lampoon Dotcom Flashbacks Presents
New Lite Pornography
But first, a message from your humble archivist, the Scanner Bitch

As both a concerned American and a highly-influential member of the media, I have decided to join the ranks of the unemployed as part of a research study commissioned by  the company that charges me for pay-per-view adult movies.

It wasn't hard to get fired from my day-job. I outed my boss, sabotaged the organization's network by recommending a system-wide Windows upgrade, and changed everyone's e-mail name to HotTeen@Butt-Love.com.

So, with a shoebox full of the personal items I kept on my desk, I made my way over to the headquarters of the Department of Labor to file for unemployment benefits and continue my mission to swipe an item from the office of each member of George Wonka Bush's cabinet.
 
The Secretary of Labor, Elaine Chao, is tough to get to. She was busy with a Maxim Magazine photo shoot, so I was forced to rely on subtle trickery to gain entrance to her inner sanctum. 

I filled out my unemployment forms with a few key answers that I knew would raise enough "red flags" to get me invited to see Secretary Chao.

Almost immediately after the information from my unemployment forms was entered into the Federal Employment Benefits System, I was approached by a pair of uniformed security guards and hustled into an unmarked government sedan. Much to my surprise, seated in the car was the new Secretary of Homeland Security, Tom Ridge.

I am under oath not to reveal the nature of our discussion, but let's just say that the editors of the Taliban Lampoonistan have a big surprise coming. I may have come up empty-handed in my mission to burgle the offices of the Secretary of Labor, but I got a big, fat, government contract to cheer up some refugees.

Also, I wasn't unemployed long enough to build up a healthy pornography addiction, but for those of you pink-slipped obsessed with pink-slits, I offer this bit from the December, 1980 issue of National Lampoon (cover below).
It may help you wean your way back into polite society.

New Lite Pornography

Jay Naughton
Scanner Bitch
Agent of Counter-Terrorism
Office of Homeland Defense
Scanning Division