• Pinot sales have gone through the roof thanks to Sideways, now that every yuppie on earth is buying it up to prove how fantastic their taste in wine is. Meanwhile, thanks to star Paul Giamatti's "Fucking Merlot!" rant, Merlot sales have plummeted.

In my improved version, Paul Giamatti now empties a bottle of Merlot onto the floor of a restaurant as a further stinging insult to Merlot wines, cursing Merlot's name in a stream of spittle and profanity. To the horror of the restaurant patrons, he then fills the bottle with his own urine, pours himself a glass, chugs it down in one gulp and proclaims happily, "You see? Now even THIS is better than fucking Merlot!" The restaurant applauds.

• One thing you might have noticed about Sideways is that, for the duration of its two-hour running time, nothing ever fucking happens. My improved, adrenaline-pumped Sideways features a cameo by Steven Seagal, who goadingly announces his hatred for all wine at a wine tasting event, then gets into a drag-down karate fight with a bushel of grapes.

Here's the kicker: the grapes win the fight. Steven Seagal is shamed, and does one-handed push-ups in several high-octane training sequences.

• Instead of Sandra Oh beating up Thomas Hayden Church when she learns that he's engaged, my vastly improved Sideways has her decide to confide in friend Virginia Madsen. A look of purest fury comes over Virginia's face as she slowly walks over to a nearby mirror and speaks the words, "Candyman. Candyman. Candyman."

Moments later, we cut to a scene of Candyman carving Thomas Hayden Church's spine out of his back with his big rusty hook. It is awesome. His spinal cord is then brought to a vineyard, planted in the ground, and grapes begin to grow upon it. Wine reviewers around the world declare this new "Spine Wine" to be the greatest wine EVER.

• In Sideways v2.0, one of the vineyard owners leans over to Paul Giamatti all nonchalantly and whispers into his ear, "Don't like the Merlot, eh? I've got something that I guarantee you won't get at any other wine-tasting session. You in?"

Paul hesitantly agrees and the owner tells Paul to meet him out back. Minutes later the owner emerges from the rear entrance with a bottle covered by a cloth with rhinestones all over it.

"Are you ready to move up to the next level of tasting the finer things in life?" the owner asks challengingly, before removing the cloth to reveal a glistening icy cold bottle of Colt 45.

After one sip, Paul screams, "YES! THIS IS IT! WHY THE HELL HAVE I BEEN WASTING MY LIFE ON WINE-TASTING!? BILLY DEE HAD IT FIGURED OUT ALL ALONG! I WAS A FOOL NOT TO LISTEN TO HIS SAGE ADVICE! FUCKING MERLOT!"

• New and improved Sideways: picture on the screen is rotated 90 degrees, so people actually have to watch it sideways. Critics will claim it is bar-none the most brilliant film in the history of mankind, and chiropractors around the world will see a dramatic increase in clientele. Everybody wins.

• To come off as even more snooty when tasting wine, my superior Sideways has Paul Giamatti saying things that make no sense whatsoever to describe the flavor. For example, "It's as if Zeus came down from Shangri-la and thrust his package into my face while singing 'Home on the Range' for hours on end. This wine is absolutely splendid!"

• In my Sideways, Paul Giamatti says "Fucking Merlot!" one time too many. God commands him to put up or shut up. Paul then drops his trousers and has his way with the Merlot. "Fucking Merlot!"

• Sideways v2.0 has our two friends decide to cut the wine-tasting trip short when they stumble onto a miniature golf course, which transports them into another dimension whenever they sink a hole-in-one. In an ironic twist, the dimension they end up stuck in is a place where the people there do nothing but watch the movie Sideways 24 hours a day. A fitting and torturous end for our leading men.

• As they walk through a vineyard in new and improved Sideways, Paul and Thomas discover a manhole cover. Confused as to what a manhole cover is doing in the middle of a vineyard, they both decide to lift it up to get a closer look. This is when a C.H.U.D. monster pops out, eats their faces, then turns to the screen and proclaims with a big thumbs up, "Fucking Merlot!"

Proposed action scene for the new Sideways: When Paul Giamatti screams, "No, if anyone orders Merlot, I'm leaving. I am NOT drinking any fucking Merlot!", the "Merlot Mafia" comes crashing through the restaurant window in a Hummer, efficiently killing everyone in sight with a continuous spray of gunfire that doesn't subside for a good five minutes.

Paul's last words before he dies? "Fucking Merlot!"

And there you have it. Make these simple additions to the film and you've got yourself a guaranteed winner. And before I leave you alcoholics, I'd like to make a toast:

Here's to you, Sunmaid.

You can ferment my grapes any time you want, baby.