Dear Mrs. McMillan,

I am so very sorry that we tricked your son Jody into surrendering himself unto the bosom of Jesus Christ. Who knew he’d actually fall for it? I mean really.

Believe me, it all started as an innocent prank. The last thing we wanted to do was actually lead our high school buddy to the eternal salvation of the King of Kings. I'm sure you can imagine our surprise when our practical joke backfired—big time—and Jody's sins were washed away by the blood of the True Creator. Foot: meet mouth.

It all started when we were all at the video store, and I found one of those free Christian tract pamphlets tucked in behind a copy of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. The tract was about some Christian rock band that signs a contract with this guy named "Lew Siffer". It turns out rock music is a powerful demonic force controlled by Satan, and the whole band is cast into everlasting torment—except the guitarist Paul, who at the last second receives Jesus as the way, the truth, and the light.

ABOVE: Page six of Jesus Christ Is The Roadie to Salvation,
which we only gave to Jody with the intent to amuse.

I know how much Jody loves Mötley Crüe, so I figured he'd laugh his ass off. I handed it to him and said, in this really serious voice, "Here man, I think you need to read this." I was totally expecting him to bust a gut. But instead, he read it through for a long time, then looked up with this serious face and asked me, "Is this true?"

I didn't know what to say for a minute. But then Craig tells Jody very solemnly that it was indeed God's truth and that Jody needed to give himself fully to our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. I don't even know where he pulled that one from—it was inspired.

To be honest, I can't remember half the silly things we told him. After that—and I'm not proud of this—we begged Jody to kneel down with us and give his heart to the Lord. Up until then, I'd sort of half-figured he'd just been playing along—but then, his eyes wet with tears, Jody said "Dear God, I am a sinner and need forgiveness. I believe that Jesus Christ shed his precious blood and died for my sin. I am willing to turn from sin. I now invite Christ to come into my heart and life as my personal Saviour." It was so weird.

Mrs. McMillan, you have to admit your son Jody is pretty gullible. I’m pretty sure he still thinks Spider-Man is a real guy. I want you to know that we tried our best after that to explain to Jody that bringing him to God's embrace had just been a big joke that'd gotten waaaay out of hand. But he just kept thanking us for leading him down the Roman road to walk in the light with the Saviour, so we ended up going for tacos without him.

I just wanted you to understand that actually leading Jody to Christ was the last thing we meant to do. I know it's got to be hard for you to live with a good and faithful servant of the Lord, always talking about how you're going to Hell because your soul is stained with the sin of Satan's deceit. Still: at least when he goes to church, it gets him out of the house for a while, am I right? Glass half full.

I hope this apology note will be okay, since I don't think you'll be seeing us come over to visit Jody anytime soon. I guess he'll always have a friend in Jesus, though.

Again: Really sorry.

Peter