Things to Say to a Complete Stranger While Waiting in a Really Long Line at the Supermarket

Some line, huh?
Jeez, what about this line?
Look at that. There's like three '12 item only' lines open and we're stuck here in this line.
This line long enough for ya?
Cutsies?
What is it with life these days that whatever you do you have to wait in some goddamn line to do it?
Oh my God, you could die of old age in this friggin' line, am I right?
Nice groceries.
Hey, whattaya say we break open your Eskimo Pies?
My GOD, what the FUCK is up with this LINE?!

Ever go to one of those anger management things? You know, like, court ordered? 'Cause they are so for shit.
Hey, you know "Froggy Went a Courtin'"? Want to sing it? I'm gonna sing "Froggy Went a Courtin'".
Oh my Christ, is that lady paying in pennies or what? HEY, THEY INVENTED THE BANK CARD, OLD WOMAN! God, do you hate her or what?
Like those magazines are true. "Chelsea Clinton with Gay Alien." Right. I am so sure. She is a dyke though. HIGH FIVE!
Can I just say you have a dynamite ass without it being a whole gay thing?

Hey, does this feel like I'm cracking an egg on your head?
So, if you had a time machine, would you go back in time and nail Lynda Carter? I would. Totally. But, as, you know, Diana Prince. 'Cause as Wonder Woman, that would just be fuckin' weird.
You gonna eat those?
Are those baby carrots? What are you, a fuckin' moron? You know they just take adult carrots and shave 'em down, right?
Soy milk? Seriously? Well, it takes all kinds, I guess.
Fig Newtons are fag food.
Bagged salad? Dick.
High five me, you son of a bitch.
Know what's in those? Rat shits. I'm serious, it's an ingredient, but hey, you wanna feed your kids rat shits, you be my guest. I'm kidding. Who the hell would have kids with you?

I didn't bump you with my cart. Why do you think I bumped you with my cart? There's like, a million people here.
Okay, that time I bumped you with my cart.
OH! SHIT. Peanut butter. Man, the wife is gonna kill when I get home with no peanut butter. Can I take yours? I mean we both know you're not married.
I just can't get over how few lines they have open. I mean, what, was there a run on greasy-ass teens and white trash grannies at the minimum wage store that I somehow missed?
William Shatner sure is getting jowly, don't you think? Jowly, jowley, jow-ly,am I right? Like he's on Prednisone or something. I mean, you could cut open one of his jowls, shove a Weimerauner puppy in it, sew it back up and no one would even notice… Except for, like, the wriggling… 'till it died. Am I right? HIGH FIVE!!
I SAID HIGH FIVE, WHAT, YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH NOW?! I'm just kidding.
But seriously, that's the last time I let it go.

"He Rode up to Miss Mousie's Door, uh-huh, uh-huh; He rode of to Miss Mousie's door, uh-huh, uh huh; HE RODE UP TO MISS MOUSIE'S DOOR WHERE HE.., had… No wait, HE KNOCKED UPON… no, damn it; HE… shit. SHIT!! What the HELL are the GODdamn words to 'FROGGY WENT A-COURTIN"?!
Think that bag boy's a retard? I think he's a retard. You know, high functioning and all. That's great when they do that. I think that's great.
Maybe you just don't know what a 'high five' is. 'Cause I could educate you.
You know that saying, 'on the down low'? Mostly just colored folks use it now, but give it a few months and we'll be able to use it. Fo' shizzle, am I right?
Ever think about working here? Part time? As, I don't know what all, maybe a bag boy or something?
You know there's no damn difference between that expensive cream cheese and the generic, right?
So, hey, what about this? Lynda Carter and Lindsey Wagner… in a cat fight! OW! THAT would put a little sauce on the Jimmy, am I right? STONE solid. S-T-O-N-E!… Lindsey Wagner. Lindsey Wagner? The fuckin' Bionic Woman? You're fuckin-A right you remember now.
'On the down low' means doing gay stuff once in a while but keeping it secret.
HEY! WHAT ABOUT A LITTLE HUSTLE? MY FRIEND HERE IS LATE FOR DIALYSIS!
Vienna Sausages? I can't eat those. Anything in jelly man, it's just… plus, they look like, you know… little amputated, preserved… what the hell is wrong with you?
I was totally kidding before about high fiving. I wouldn't high five with you if you were wearing a biohazard suit and your hand was encased in concrete. No offense. You just look diseased to me, is all.
You want my email? I'm gonna write my email down for you.
HEY! THIS GUY JUST ASKED ME TO 'KEEP IT ON THE DOWN LOW'! ANYBODY KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
HIGH FIVE! OH! Too slow. Now I get to smash your eggs.