Hoping to avoid FCC indecency charges, the 2005 Superbowl halftime show replaces unpredictable pop stars with a wholesome children's choir. A record-setting number of wardrobe malfunctions nonetheless result in over 43 full-frontal views of pierced genitalia.

Larry King’s wife shoots her husband on CNN in front of millions of witnesses. Mrs. King is exonerated when no one steps forward to press charges.

Kabbalah overshadows Scientology as best fake religion of all time.

Ted Nugent assembles an all-star Haitian epidemic control team to combat the illness, including MIT Vaccine Research Center's Dr. Thomas Fauci and former Styx guitarist Tommy Shaw.

During a historical bipartisan bill, Senate approves health coverage for all seniors after freeing up budget by denying health coverage to the mentally retarded.

Dr. Robert Atkins, in a posthumously published memoir, admits his famous low-carb diet was actually "just this big joke that sort of got out of hand." Despite the admission, millions of Americans continue to eat bacon three times per day.

Scientists genetically engineer talking dolphin. Dolphin's first words: "Haven't you assholes cured cancer yet?"

Same-sex marriage once again becomes legal in San Francisco. Then illegal. Then legal. Then just kind of a fun excuse to flirt with guys in church.

Mel Gibson releases follow-up to religious mega-hit The Passion of the Christ, taking on the story of Noah building his Ark. Despite controversy over Noah's graphic thirty-seven minute torture at the hands of a pair of giraffes, The Drowning of the Jews nonetheless breaks box office records.

Howard Stern states that "my freedom of expression is more important than the size of my audience." Stern now broadcasts from a Mr. Microphone on his front porch to the radios of passing cars.

Iraqi prisoners humiliated by last year's Abu Gharab scandal, having spent the bulk of the last 12 months working out, finally perfect their human pyramid formation. Next up: five billiard balls in one mouth, and the dreaded Spinning Plate Trick.

Palestinians and Israelis stop fighting when both sides realize they've forgotten what they were fighting about. Eventually someone remembers it's because they utterly, utterly despise each other. Fighting quickly resumes as grenades are launched into the crowd

Conservative talk show host Bill O'Reilly finally explains the truth behind last

year's sexual harassment charges with the release of his uncensored Too Hot For Talk Radio! sexual harrassment tape series.

A third sex tape of Paris Hilton surfaces, causing an outcry among members of the porn industry that Hilton tapes can no longer be labeled "amateur porn."

Pop diva Britney Spears divorces Kevin Federline when she realizes the freakish design shaved into his beard isn't just a phase. Pays to have hymen surgically reattached and sells old one for record $5 million on Ebay.

Five more members of seminal punk band The Ramones — Ronny, Jacky, Burt, Zeppo and Hambone Ramone — are discovered. They quickly succumb to illness and die.

Ben Affeck's movie career experiences a renaissance when he appears in the revitalized Cannonball Run franchise as a race car-driving villain who dies in a fiery blaze accidentally driving off a cliff. Affeck becomes pigeonholed soon after, and appears exclusively in movies as a race car-driving villain who dies in a fiery blaze after accidentally driving off a cliff.

Pope John Paul II passes away after years of declining health. Vatican is reinvigorated by a no-nonsense, baseball bat-wielding Samuel L. Jackson as replacement Pope.

American Idol semi-finalist Clay Aiken releases best-selling holiday album Have Yourself a Homosexual Little Christmas.

The band Wilco wins critics' plaudits yet again with Red Elevator, a double album of melancholy lyrics crooned over a backdrop of randomly pressed telephone keys.

Former Jeopardy champion Ken Jennings returns to game show "all attitude-y and in your face" with expensive salon haircut. Due to intense hatred by other contestants, Jennings is instead pitted against robot. Audience ends up rooting for robot in scene right out of Rocky IV.

Debate over genetics continues to rage after Houston-based research facility learns how to isolate, then destroy, the gene that makes people outraged by stem cell research.