By Scott H. Leva
Booty
Call: v. to call someone
on the phone and arrange a sexual liaison, usually late
night, and often when other more favorable options have
proven fruitless.
Booty
Call: n. The recipient of a booty call. See above.
Below
are a few helpful tips to assist you in your quest for the
perfect booty call.
*
Choose your booty call wisely.
Psychos, weirdos, freaks, and people with incurable diseases
or body hygiene issues make horrible booty calls. Yes, even
personality counts for a booty call. Choose wrongly and
you risk turning your “partner of convenience”
into a stalker hanging out in your parking lot while you're
on a real date.
*
Beer Goggles.
The
booty call should be relatively attractive but never
hot, otherwise you risk forming some kind of sad, pathetic
attachment which you'll eventually regret. You shouldn't
have to doll yourself up for a booty call and neither should
he. You should be able to come over with 10 (or more) pounds
of extra holiday weight and not give a shit. Don't get hung
up on looks. This is a booty call. It's a temporary fix.
*
Location, location, location.
Your booty call should be within a 20-minute drive or you
risk losing your…”interest.” Write down directions
beforehand. Missing out on a booty call because you knocked
on the wrong door at 3am will haunt you forever.
*
Avoid meaningful conversation.
Do not suddenly develop a charming personality. Avoid any
discussion of politics, religion, life goals or your past
relationships. Otherwise you risk actually making some kind
of connection. If your booty call ignores these rules just
nod a lot and hope they eventually get the hint to shut
up and get naked.
*
No need to impress.
Believe
it or not your booty call should not be the greatest sex
you ever had. Save that for someone you actually give a
crap about. Your booty call should not require expending
much energy. Usually booty calls occur late at night and
you're both either tired or drunk. Booty call sex should
not be a marathon or a "performance." It should
be the last thing you do before you pass out.
*
Do not fall in love. Your
booty call should know it's a booty call. No strings, no
attachment, nothing but loveless sex once in awhile - and
all at a moment's notice. Falling in love with your booty
call is a huge mistake and only leads to disaster and the
inevitable lies you must tell your grandkids about how you
actually met.
* Save your money.
Do not wine and dine your booty call. Do not spend a dime
on flowers, chocolates or other gifts. If he/she insists
you go out to a dinner/movie beforehand, say something like,
“I feel like I'm buying your love and I could never
do that to you.” Hopefully, your booty call will get
the hint.
*
Know when to go.
Booty calls do not require sleepovers, cuddle-time, or breakfast.
If you choose to sleep over, do it because you're tired,
drunk or because it's raining/snowing/freezing-ass blizzard
outside. In the morning there should be absolutely no awkwardness.
Leave his or her apartment. Don't stick around for the inevitable
questions.
*
Don't abuse your booty call privileges.
Late night phone calls are perfectly acceptable, but either
party has a right to refuse -- without guilt. Your booty
call should not occur more than once every two weeks. A
booty call is a temporary fix. Having it more than that
removes any chance (or need) of pursuing an actual relationship.
*
Keep your list small.
You should have no more than 2 people on your booty call
list. More than that indicates a freaky sexual pattern and
possibly some kind of gross disease. And again, if you're
banging more than two girls, you're not out there looking
for something better.
*
Practice crash dummy. The
booty call is also the perfect opportunity to practice tricks
and stunts you'd probably never attempt with someone you
actually want to impress. Why screw up the “inverted
monkey” on the guy/girl of your dreams, when you can
practice on someone who won't laugh when you fall off the
bed.
*
Adios Amigo. Be
willing to end booty calls immediately and without making
up excuses or getting feelings hurt. "You recently
got a boyfriend? Great to hear, sorry it's over. Gimme a
call when he comes to his senses and sees what a fat, skanky
whore you really are.”
