From:
Myself
To: Whom it May Concern (i.e., myself)
Re: 15-Point Plan To
Win The White House
1. Tomorrow — New Haircut — should look
more like Bob “Gilligan” Denver on a bad hair day.
2. January, 2003 — Announce candidacy opposite
4th quarter of Super Bowl to ensure media coverage. Announce in Guam.
Announce in Seminole smoke signals.
3. September — First debate. Join field of
ten candidates. Immediately establish self as “the scary one.”
4. Propose new government agency called Department
Of Peace. Then propose Department Of Nice, Congressional Office Of
Friendly and Federal Bureau Of Not-Too-Loud. Thank George Carlin for
the good weed.
5. October — Sen. Bob Graham drops out; I vault
to ninth place.
6. Propose repeal of “Patriot Act,” condemning
it as unpatriotic; propose alternative called “The REAL Patriot
Act.” Then read first Patriot Act — find out it’s
not about unlawfully detaining New England Patriots. Propose ignoring
my earlier proposal to repeal first Patriot Act. Propose Department
of Ignore-My-Proposals.
7. December — Say nothing wacky to get press’
attention.
8. January,
2004 —
Carol Moseley Braun, feeling my hot breath coming up behind her, quits
race before me, causing Las Vegas odds makers to take a bath.
9. January 19 — Iowa caucuses. Declare victory
at 6 a.m. in hope of influencing outcome.
10. January 27 — Strong eighth place showing
in New Hampshire primary, defeating non-candidate Carol Moseley Braun.
I win standing bet with Sharpton that I wouldn’t lose to a girl.
11. In an effort to win Latino voters, Bush signs
bill giving illegal aliens the right to vote, not realizing that “Kucinich”
in Spanish means “free pussy.” I get endorsement of United
Farm Workers. Also get endorsement of LPGA.
12. Feb to June — Finish last in southern states,
followed by drubbings in the mid-West, North, West, and East. End
primary season with one delegate — me.
13. Massive terrorist attack at Boston Convention
kills other candidates, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, Michael Dukakis,
Walter Mondale, Jimmy Carter, George McGovern, all sitting Democratic
Governors, Mayors and Dog Catchers, entire Democratic congressional
delegation, and Ralph Nader for good measure.
14. Carol Moseley Braun gets nomination; I’m
her vice-presidential nominee. During debates, Bush pulls a pistol
and shoots Braun. Bush convicted. I lose to Cheney in a landslide.
15. Before electoral vote in congress, Cheney dies
of heart attack. I eek out electoral win against Ray Romano.
