By Karla Pacheco
I’m
in the women’s locker room of one of the higher class
health clubs in town when I hear it:
“No
way do I do that. Icky!”
Now,
m y
idea of a strenuous workout is a brisk walk to the kitchen
for more Cheetos. But a “financial misjudgment”
(I bought beer instead of paying the utility bill; A LOT
of beer) left me without hot water in my apartment, and
I found a day-pass to the gym in the paper. Hey, free hot
shower!
“Oh
god, I know. I never do it either.”
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Despite
the reputation of men’s locker rooms, a male
discussion of sexual exploits tends to be vague macho
posturing and quite frankly… LIES. Get
a bunch of women together, though, and it’s
complete, unvarnished truth. Graphic, unvarnished
truth.
Ever
have sex with a woman? Her friends know what your
penis looks like. And Trisha in accounting knows about
that time you cried after you came.
“I
mean, it’s just so GROSS.”
Over
the sound of the shower cleaning the cardio-kick-pilates
sweat from my compatriots' bodies (and the Cheeto
crumbs from mine), I hear it again:
“Yeah,
I won’t go down on my boyfriend either.”
And
one thought is in my head: “I’m gonna
kill these selfish bitches.”
Guys,
I am on your side!
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Women
don’t like putting dirty things in their mouths. Your
dink? Dirty. It smells like mushrooms and you pee out of
it. Don’t get me started on “schmegma.”
Gah.
But
let’s say you’ve showered, you’ve trimmed,
you’ve powdered and perfumed until you have an immaculate
member... and she still won’t
put her mouth on it.
There’s
only one option. You
have to trick her.
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- Tell
her it tastes like marshmallows.
- Leave
the article you printed off the internet, Sucking
Dick Cures Cancer, all over your
apartment.
- Shove
it in her mouth when she’s asleep, mid-conversation,
or brushing her teeth. (Just because you spread
toothpaste on it…)
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“The Houston
Switcharoo”
Start off naked, facedown in her vagina. Once you’ve
got her going, but before she clamps her thighs
in the death-grip around your head… slowly
begin to pivot your body around, keeping your mouth
where it‘s at. Do this slowly, and for God’s
sake, don’t stop licking, or she’ll
figure out what you’re doing too soon.
However,
if you’re tonguing with enough enthusiasm,
you’ll be in “69” position before
she realizes it. At which point she has to either
open up for a heaping helping of man-burger, or
stop getting her puss wet and look like a selfish
bitch.
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“The Coup de Face”
I almost hesitate to tell you this one, because it’s
really tricky and you’re probably gonna fuck it up.
The
Set-Up: Don’t attempt while having or even TALKING
about sex. Ideally you’re at dinner, or holding her
purse for her while she shops for shoes. Eventually she’ll
start talking about a friend of hers who’s “totally
psycho.” Girls always do
this.
At
this point you should bring up a former girlfriend (real
or fictional) who “acted just like that.” Tell
a few stories about how this was the worst girlfriend ever,
she was mean, she cheated, she ran over your dog, she cheated
with your dog…NOTHING can seem to be a fond reminiscence.
But
then, in an offhand manner…“Man, she loved
going down, though.” Take a quick moment to look slightly
wistful, and follow with a sincere “You’re such
a great girlfriend though. I really love you.” Then
change the subject to what you’re ordering for dessert,
or how great that 65th pair of black pumps she’s trying
on look.
If
you can pull this off, the competitive female nature will
have her mouth on your pickle in no time flat. If done incorrectly…
she‘ll be using her teeth., if at all. Tread carefully.
Practice it in advance. And don’t say I didn’t
warn you if you just end up pissing her off.
So
you’ve finally got your girlie licking the love-stick.
Everything’s great now, right? Not
if she’s awful at it. How to encourage effective knob
slobbering?
NO
PUSHING ON THE BACK OF HER HEAD. Don’t
mention other girls who did it better. Refrain from shouting
“Suck it bitch!” or “Gobble down on daddy
like a good girl.” And if you put in a porno and make
comments like “See! She totally got the whole thing
down. Look at her go!” you will deserve what you get.
Which is no blow jobs.
Most
people advocate those mature adult discussions about sex
, likes and dislikes. I’ll be honest, it’s great
that you want to be all open, but really, when you say something
like “I’d really enjoy it if, when you’re
orally pleasuring me, you used more saliva, took the whole
thing, and didn’t do that mongoloid head-bob thing,”
you’ve only got a 50-50 chance of getting better head.
You’re taking a risk that she’ll stop doing
it entirely. But hey, 50% chance of suck-cess, right?
You
can also try “So baby, when I go down on you, am I
doing it right?” You’ll either end up with a
lecture on why you’re not, or she’ll go “Oh,
you’re the king of panty dampening, tell me how I
can please YOU, lord of my sopping vagina!”
Doubtful,
really. But it’s worth a shot.
Positive
reinforcement, bro. When she does something right, tell
her. “Oh, that feels good, when you lick the tip.”
“I like the way you tickle my balls.” “UNNNNGGGGGHHH.”
Be obvious and vocal about what she’s good at. She’ll
eventually catch on, and do more of it. And to make sure
she keeps coming back for a throat full of your junk…
softly stroke her hair, look deep into her eyes, and say
“You look so beautiful when you do that.”
Chicks
are fucking suckers for that. Literally.
Note:
If she uses her teeth, you are perfectly within your rights
to scream “Oh God, NO!” That’s one area
where you don’t need to soften the blow. The blow
that you should be immediately directing at her head.
| So
hopefully you’re on your way to Orgasmville, fully
reclined with your hands behind your head. But if you STILL
can’t get a blow job to save your life…
Here’s
50 bucks. Go find a prostitute (I told you I was on
your side). If you can’t get a hooker to give
you a blow job… wow. Man. Really? That chick
over there? She won’t suck you off for $50?
Damn… there’s absolutely nothing I can
do to help you. Completely out of luck.
Shit,
it’s not like I’M gonna suck it. |
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