Taxes are built around incentives, which encourage people to spend money on things the government approves of. Tax deductions for home ownership, for example, encourage people to buy property. Similarly, the head of a household can receive significant tax deductions if he has a spouse. This encourages people to buy women.

"I don't need to file faxes. I'll be dead soon."	"I heard filing tax returns makes you, like, want dick."
People about to die have the least need for money.	Filing tax returns only provokes the craving of dick, which can be easily suppressed.
"Paying taxes is only for regular people. Not people who play the saxophone."	"I caught this pike with my own fucking hands. If the government wants 10% of the fillets, they have made an enemy."
Saxophone players pay more tax than anyone.	The IRS rarely demands more than 5% of a pike fillet.
"My wife and I have fun when I shave! Taxes don't exist!"	"Billy Turner said that if you make taxes? It makes you want dick!"
Having fun when you shave is a taxable activity.	Billy Turner has a billion poop-dinks for brains.

	Are you single? Married? If your spouse is dead, you may not have to pay taxes.
	Do you make enough money to need to file taxes?
	Could you outrun the police if you had to? Do you lose your head in a fire fight?

Taxes were invented in Great Britain in the 1600's as a way to punish sex offenders, the leprous and the French. When colonists first travelled to America, the King of Britain decided to tax them as well.

American colonists rose up against British rule, leading to the famous Boston Tea Party, where colonists dumped tea into Boston Harbor rather than pay taxes on it. The King was furious. Britain's French Leper Rapist lobby offered their full support.

The IRS enforced tax laws for the first time in 1862. Tax collectors were originally given the authority to seize property, smother children and administer open-palmed slaps to the genitals of tax evaders (later dubbed the New England Cock-Wallop).

Most Americans hate filing tax returns, not realizing that they can claim deductions. Deductions are much like a lottery where the government gives out bags full of free money. But instead of having to buy a ticket, all you need to win a tax lottery is a vast pyramid of lies. Below we've outlined some of the biggest cash pay-outs:

	Elderly, Mentally Handicapped or Disabled. The government gives refunds of up to $1,125 to the old, retarded and disabled. If you find one, it's worth your time to take it home and get free money.
	Children. Dependents under 17 can cut your tax bill by $500 a head. Have unprotected sex with many different partners will maximize your chances of a big-money cash pay-out.
	Adoption. Many taxpayers see adoption as a burden. Instead, think of it as an opportunity to own a free little butler. Up to $10,000 can be claimed for adoption expenses, with additional enormous cash pay-outs for every defective child: Flippers Superfluous Nipples Vestigial Tail Transparent Skin "Rubber Bone" Syndrome

When filing deductions, be creative. Did you do any volunteer work for a charity this year? Of course you didn't. Try handing out a few bottles of gin in a homeless shelter. You'll be surprised how many corroborative witnesses you'll find who'll say you've made soup for them all year.

Medical expenses? Gambling losses? Are you blind? If it came to it, could you act blind for an audit? You'll find you're only limited by your imagination and your ability to make fraudulent receipts.

Remember that tax auditors are government employees, and thus extremely lazy. If given the choice between following up on whether you really bought a mortgage for your dog house and getting out of the office before rush hour, four out of five auditors will be out the door by the time the ink dries on your check.

As lazy as government employees are, they also have black hearts. This makes them wily like foxes. Get too greedy, and you might get more than a big-money cash pay-out. You'll get audited.

If you don't file a tax return, the IRS may give you a late payment penalty or issue a summons for you to appear for an audit. An IRS auditor can be very difficult to convince. Plus, because of Constitutional amendments put in place in 1993, if a tax auditor feels you are lying, he is legally allowed to give you AIDS.

However, remember that most tax auditors are very thin and scare easily. Always bring a concealable handgun to a tax audit in the event that you need some tax help from Mr. Six Persuasive Arguments. If frisked, explain that you merely wanted to know if you could shoot someone as a deductible expense.

	Dr. Taxes is a licensed tax attorney and twelve-time winner of the Bob Coke Award for Outstanding Tax Filing in the Field of Taxes. His books, The How-Tos of Income Tax and Filing The Smart Way are both national bestsellers. Dr. Taxes currently resides in Wentworth Minimum Security Penitentary in Redstone Colorado.

Dear Dr. Taxes, Ph.D.

I have a lot of tax deductions that I'm pretty sure are legitimate, but I'm afraid of being audited. Is it better to take the risk or play it safe?

Curious in Seattle

Dear Curious,

I'm surprised how often I am asked this question. Many tax professionals insist that when you have deductions that "appear" to be too high, you risk triggering an audit. They are cowardly fools. Grow some tax hair and claim your deductions using IRS Form 8275. This allows you to explain any details about questionable-sounding tax deductions, giving the IRS the answers they need in a way that is virtually "audit-proof".

Dear Dr. Taxes, Ph.D.

What's it like in prison? Are you forced to have anal sex a lot? If so, how often?

Just Wondering

Dear Wondering,

I'm surprised how often I am asked this question. The answer to your question is "Not very often at all," I'm afraid. In truth, I am only forced to have anal sex several times a week. The trick is in observing the large, violent inmates who desire anal sex, and noting that their desires usually come in predictable waves. Try to stay out of sight during the heights of these waves, and for the most part you can avoid anal sex entirely.

When you are unable to hide, my advice is to take the anal sex passively; much like if you were attacked by a menacing Grizzly bear who wished to have sex with you. Remain limp and know that it will be over with soon enough.

Dear Dr. Taxes, Ph.D.

Last week you answered "Perplexed in Missouri" on contributing to an IRA with a spouse in a retirement plan. I was just wondering: how often do you get forced to have anal sex?

Laughing at you in Boston

Dear Laughing,

Of all the mail I receive, over 99% of it comes from the same college dormitory mailing address questioning me about anal sex. And while I am of course federally mandated to answer all letters as part of my prison sentence, I am beginning to wonder if you aren't taking advantage of this. I would remind you that you are abusing a valuable resource that is supposed to help people.

As for your question, please see my Anal Sex FAQ.