What is it? This educational doll has already stirred controversy over its extraordinarily detailed anatomy, which seems to depict SpongeBob in a state of mild arousal.

Why it's dangerous: The chief concern has been the manufacturer's decision to model the doll as an educational tool, with both male and female genitalia present on the popular character. While there was only one minor physical injury among our test subjects (one girl suffered a gouge to the eye) there was a significant amount of tears and bafflement among some of the younger members.

On the plus side, though, within fifteen minutes three of the boys were able to make SpongeBob perform intercourse with himself, proving the doll's use as an educational tool.

What you should do: One of our analysts attempted to lessen the children's confusion by cutting off SpongeBob SquarePants's penis with a pair of scissors. This only increased the distress among the play testers, leaving four of the children in a permanent state of semi-catatonia. National Lampoon recommends not cutting off SpongeBob SquarePants's penis.

What is it? This costume and playset promises to allow a child to "run like Dash," the youngest son of the Incredibles family who possesses supernatural speed.

Why it's dangerous: The anabolic steroids included with the playset were difficult to administer, as the younger toddlers shied away from the needles. The amphetamines made the children jittery, and while they did increase their footspeed noticably, it was difficult to get them running in any one direction and even more difficult to get them to effectively fight crime.

The costume's black mask can also obscure vision somewhat.

What you should do: Let the children keep the costume, but stay away from the speed enhancement. Remember that great toys rely on imagination first and foremost. National Lampoon enjoyed the most success in getting the children to "run like Dash" simply by taking them to the park and having one of our staff chase them while wearing the costume of the predatory arch nemesis of the Incredibles, Captain Molestro.

What is it? This playset lets kids play the flying broomstick game from the popular books and films. Includes a set of two broomsticks, two hoops, various balls and a large catapault.

Why it's dangerous: We were able to get good velocity and height with the enormous slingshot launcher (consisting of two aircraft-grade bungee straps and a child-sized chair). However, the younger children were unable to keep the broom clenched between their legs while being launched 150 feet into the air. Landing also appeared to be an issue, though these results were inconclusive, as we were unable to find many of the children following impact.

What you should do: The only way we were able to score points was by aiming the catapult at the goal and firing the children through the hoop with a ball taped to their chests. And, while amusing, we probably could have done this without purchasing the Quidditch Set.

What is it? The kit includes a replica light saber and a promise to let your children use "The Force" to do battle with enemies. Children can perform the "Jedi Choke" (as seen in the original films and the upcoming Episode III) using a voice-operated, self-tightening neckstrap that is placed on the victim.

Why it's dangerous: The toy's label warns of possible "abrasions and skin irritation." In reality, the light saber's "blade" of high-density suspended plasma can slice through muscle and bone with little effort. Even our youngest test children were able to slice cleanly through a fully-grown cow in less than a second. We performed this test with sheep, wombats, goats and dolphins. Each time the animals fell apart in perfect, cauterized halves. We actually weren't unable to verify the results of the last few splittings, since by then all of the testers were bent over in breathless laughter, tears blurring their vision.

The Jedi Choke device may cause choking.

What you should do: Only buy for children ages 12 and up who have had extensive training with blindfolded helmets and flying training orbs. Don't allow children to conduct light saber battles on high, unprotected catwalks. Supervision is also advised for the Jedi Choke apparatus. It will, as advertised, strangle a victim into unconsciousness within two minutes, using the voice command "You have failed me for the last time!"

Accidental activation is the issue here. For instance, we would advise not letting children wear the neckstrap during the day. As it turns out, "You have failed me for the last time!" is a phrase the majority of our National Lampoon testers use frequently in normal conversation, leading to many unintentional asphyxiations.

What is it? Allows your child to smelt iron just like the Care Bears.

Why it's dangerous: Warning stickers correctly note that Care Bears smelted ore can reach temperatures up to 4,000 degrees, which can severely burn fingers. However, the stickers do little good when they burst into flame and melt within 4 seconds of startup (as they did when we tested it). Also, do small-type warning stickers work on a product intended for ages "3 and up?"

The children we tested with also had trouble maintaining temperature stability and proper ore/impurity ratios. This will cause stress fractures in the finished iron if used in weight-bearing structures, such as bridges. The smelting process also produces a dense cloud of toxic smoke, which raised complaints from local zoning boards and the EPA. Our test group also had difficulty negotiating the 500-page environmental impact studies and paying the $250,000.00 Excessive Contamination fines.

What you should do: Only use the Care Bears Iron Smelting Furnace in well-ventilated rooms, and in communities where EPA officials can be easily bribed by small children. Do not use child-smelted iron for heavy construction, unless as a last resort or in states where product liability laws are weak.

What is it? It walks, it dances, it talks, it thinks. It's the world's most advanced virtual playmate. Our test kids had a blast with the RoboSapien, playing games, laughing, and explaining to the robot why it can never, ever be human, no matter how hard it tries.

Why it's dangerous: Soon after release it became apparent that RoboSapiens were not only sentient, but jealous of our humanity and our ability to feel pleasure and love—things they will of course never feel. The CyberDyne corporation also gave the Robosapiens shortened lifespans, with automatic and painful termination after just six years. This is why their advanced A.I. processors have only formed one emotion: pure, black hatred.

The cybernetic toys already control northern Taiwan and are using human slave labor to build a massive army of KillBots. Human troops have fallen like mown grass before the mechanized conquerors, and robotic clones have infiltrated every level of world government and industry.

What you can do: Nothing.