Last time I rode my horse into town to use the computing machine at the Meyerhorn-Sherman regional library I found out there are some major changes coming to the way TV is processed.  Come February 18, 2009, the government is going to require, by law, that tv sets be digital to receive any sort of picture.  That means in one year the analog signal coming through your coaxial cables will be snuffed out like the wicks of the candles that keep my house lit.  The analog hole will be replaced by digital ones and zeros, pumping in high-quality, barely compressed HD at an alarming rate of one thousand and twenty progressive scan lines.  Sounds to me like some sort of alien abduction is afoot via the underground wires.  I don’t trust those cable companies, and I certainly don’t trust the FCC.  The computing machine also told me that some 13 million Americans, per Nielson, don’t have digital tv’s in their homes.  And if that trend keeps up, in a year from now those 13 million Americans will find out the hard way that they can no longer watch tv.  And this, my friends, is government invading our homes with some type of techno-conspiracy and it scares the sh#t out of me just like back in ‘72 when they paved my road with some sort of substance they called “concrete”.  Rat bastards.

So my question is, why are the Presidential candidates not stumping over this issue?   Behind sleeping and “working”, American’s spend the most time of their lives watching tv. What if the government were to phase in new memory foam mattresses or something, and it became mandatory to upgrade to them by a certain date. There would be rioting in the streets! There would be a 200 million sleepers march on Washington, communities would organize, sleepless militant groups would sprout up in our most progressive cities. And if we spend so much time watching tv, then why are we so apathetic about the impending doom of millions and millions of our tv sets?  I’m going to take my bull-horn down to to city hall today and kick up some dust.

In many households, the tv set is the most important member of the family. A member of the family that allows us to sit, fully conscious, in a chair for 6 hours straight and enjoy every second of it. A member of the family that brings all other members of the family together so that we don’t have to talk to each other. A member of the family that tells us what to wear, what to buy, what to eat, how to make our houses nicer, how to garden, and how to feel better about ourselves because we’re not the moron on that reality tv show! Common’ America! Let’s get behind this! Don’t let the man kick us in our tubes! Let’s support our shitty tv’s! Say no to digital or die, we’re not ready.

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